I Miss the Feeling of Jumping

When you climb to the top of the stairs, you never look down because when you do you are gripped with fear that you can't seem to move your hands and feet to reach for the next rung. You struggle against gravity, against the weight of your body, you force yourself to move though every muscle is frozen. But see, all you think about is one thing: reaching the top.

When you are at the top, now, you would look down and see the tops of trees and the wideness of the lake below and roads that you've trekked to get to this place, you would think, "wow, how beautiful" and at the same time you would think, "this is so high, I could die when I fall." You feel the cold air brush against your skin, icy droplets of sweat run down your face, the sun is high but you feel cold inside and out. The people in charge start putting on straps on you and preparing you for the moment of truth - the jump.

At that moment, you have a split second to decide - to go through with this or just go down the ladder. You have a hard time breathing because by now you are standing at the edge of the ramp. Just one more step and you won't feel the ground, everything will just be air and the straps that bind you. You start thinking again, "if this thing comes out defective, it will be the end of me."

You take one deep breath, and for a single part of a second for that moment, the moment when you jumped, there is only silence in your mind. There are no thoughts running about, only this blank nothingness. You cease to breathe in that decimal of time. Fear would mix with elation and nervousness and triumph until it all blends to nothing and you feel nothing until after the jump.

You feel yourself weightless, so small and so big at the same time against the forest underneath you. You let out a breath as if you've breathed for the first time. It's like in that interval when you break out of the water after holding your breath for so long - that moment. Your lungs seem to expand so much that it couldn't be filled with enough air. Your hands and legs are hanging about. No, you're not on the ground anymore. You can't find security on what you can stand on but you will find it in the strap around you. Now, it's all in the work of the strap because no matter what you do, you won't save yourself by standing up. But since you've jumped, you can't turn back now, you have to wait and enjoy and take in everything until the ride ends, until you see a Manong waving his hands at you.

But when you do see him, you would've wished the ride were longer and that you were suspended in the air longer. Sure, it was not your comfort zone. Sure, it was unsure and there was a risk. But at that moment, you soared. For once in your life, you were taller than the trees and the mountains. For once in your life, you let yourself go. You let things that bothered or worried you go the moment you jumped. For a moment in your adult life, you knew how superman felt. You felt big and possible and positive and formidable and.....larger than life...you feel alive and how great it is to be alive, to really be, truly be alive and living!

*based on an experience riding a zipline