The Things I Used to Be

 I used to have it all. 

Well, not really. 

But I used to think and feel as though everything is achievable and isn't that quite the same as having it all. For a moment in time, all things are possible and if I just put my mind to it, they will be mine. 

But the years and the journey were difficult. I have mourned the loss of past selves, and have tried celebrating the new ones that arose and yet, I missed them. 

When I was in college, I mourned the loss of my bubbly friendly self. It seemed harder to make friends in college than it was in high school, but I also mourned the fizzling of high school friendships. 

When I graduated, I mourned the loss of my bright-eyed self who was ready to conquer the world. 

When I got my Master's degree and started on a new job, I mourned the loss of my secure and intelligent self. To note, I did not feel all that intelligent or secure until my world tumbled then I realized that I used to be intelligent and secure-ish. 

When I was nearing my 30s, I mourned the loss of my fearless laughter. Death has made it cautious. 

When I have reached my 30s, I mourned the loss of my go-getter self - the one who despite all odds, can grit her teeth and bear it and just make it happen. 

I am still mourning. 

With blighted hopes and not-yet dreams, and delays upon delays, I question and doubt if some of the things I held on to are still worth holding - and yet they remain. 

I am not sure if they are meant to be ghosts to haunt me or goal posts to remind me to keep on. 

In the loss of all my past selves, I have thought that they, too, would go away, and sometimes, I had wished them to go away for they ache and ache still. 

Except I do not have the confidence to meet them - not like I used to. I had not feared the costs before, I had been willing to pay, but now, I have paid too much and am in debt. I had been willing to be scarred, and now, I have been scarred too much. I have battle scars on battle scars, and scabs and callouses and yet, I remind my little heart to keep beating, to not let itself be numb for it still has people to love. I remind my little hands to open up and keep working, for they still have people to serve. 

I remind them that there is still beauty in this world. I remind them that some delays are just pullbacks getting ready for that trajectory. I remind them of the Dream Giver who does not set people up for failure. 

I think of my past selves. I, sometimes, mourn them. And yet, I know, that they will not be equipped to meet the challenges I am meeting now. They have led me to this place. They were necessary but I needed to grow out of them too. 

I miss the times of my wide-eyed wonder, can-do attitude, but I appreciate the nuances I know now - the more compassionate, empathetic, and grounded attitude. 

I may mourn still and yet, I still hope.