in the blur of nothingness
when I have to face myself
trying to determine,
do I like what I see?
am I someone
who has loved
with every inch
of her
being?
have I been someone
who has served
in the ways she
knew how?
can I face
my Creator Father
and say,
My Lord, I have done
my best
with
what You have given me?
in the blur of self-doubt
self-deprecation
self-denigration
have I fought
to not let it
win over me?
have I fought hard enough?
have I held on to worthy things?
have I been stubborn
for the right reasons?
have I stood firm?
when I have staggered
and fallen
have I repeatedly chosen
to
stand
back
up?
screw the bloody hands
screw the broken bones
screw the aching heart
screw the bleeding knees
I. WILL. FIGHT. AGAIN.
if only I could find the fight in me
sometimes, it gets tiring to be strong
and yet, I know, I will regret it
if I refuse to fight for dreams
that gripped me
I will regret not going back
if I have run away
The only reason I can travel far
I can get lost
I can go wherever
is because
I always know
the way
back
home
if I die tomorrow
what apologies will I make?
I will apologize for not having done more
I will apologize for having hurt others
BUT
I will not apologize for having lived
I will not apologize for having breathed and occupied space
I refuse to apologize for taking my chances
I will not apologize for grabbing opportunities given to me
I will not apologize for the consequences
of actions I have done
when I have decided to live
truly, honestly, with all of me
***
if life were a poker game, I only knew one way of playing it - ALL IN.
