When Words Flow

in the blur of nothingness

when I have to face myself

trying to determine,

do I like what I see? 

am I someone

who has loved 

with every inch

of her 

being? 

have I been someone

who has served

in the ways she 

knew how? 

can I face 

my Creator Father

and say, 

My Lord, I have done 

my best

with

what You have given me? 

in the blur of self-doubt

self-deprecation

self-denigration 

have I fought 

to not let it 

win over me?

have I fought hard enough? 

have I held on to worthy things? 

have I been stubborn 

for the right reasons? 

have I stood firm?

when I have staggered

and fallen 

have I repeatedly chosen 

to

stand

back 

up? 

screw the bloody hands

screw the broken bones

screw the aching heart

screw the bleeding knees

I. WILL. FIGHT. AGAIN. 

if only I could find the fight in me

sometimes, it gets tiring to be strong 

and yet, I know, I will regret it

if I refuse to fight for dreams 

that gripped me 

I will regret not going back

if I have run away

The only reason I can travel far

I can get lost

I can go wherever

is because

I always know

the way

back

home

if I die tomorrow

what apologies will I make?

I will apologize for not having done more

I will apologize for having hurt others

BUT

I will not apologize for having lived

I will not apologize for having breathed and occupied space

I refuse to apologize for taking my chances

I will not apologize for grabbing opportunities given to me

I will not apologize for the consequences

of actions I have done

when I have decided to live

truly, honestly, with all of me

***

if life were a poker game, I only knew one way of playing it - ALL IN.