When Words Flow

in the blur of nothingness

when I have to face myself

trying to determine,

do I like what I see? 

am I someone

who has loved 

with every inch

of her 

being? 

have I been someone

who has served

in the ways she 

knew how? 

can I face 

my Creator Father

and say, 

My Lord, I have done 

my best

with

what You have given me? 

in the blur of self-doubt

self-deprecation

self-denigration 

have I fought 

to not let it 

win over me?

have I fought hard enough? 

have I held on to worthy things? 

have I been stubborn 

for the right reasons? 

have I stood firm?

when I have staggered

and fallen 

have I repeatedly chosen 

to

stand

back 

up? 

screw the bloody hands

screw the broken bones

screw the aching heart

screw the bleeding knees

I. WILL. FIGHT. AGAIN. 

if only I could find the fight in me

sometimes, it gets tiring to be strong 

and yet, I know, I will regret it

if I refuse to fight for dreams 

that gripped me 

I will regret not going back

if I have run away

The only reason I can travel far

I can get lost

I can go wherever

is because

I always know

the way

back

home

if I die tomorrow

what apologies will I make?

I will apologize for not having done more

I will apologize for having hurt others

BUT

I will not apologize for having lived

I will not apologize for having breathed and occupied space

I refuse to apologize for taking my chances

I will not apologize for grabbing opportunities given to me

I will not apologize for the consequences

of actions I have done

when I have decided to live

truly, honestly, with all of me

***

if life were a poker game, I only knew one way of playing it - ALL IN. 

At the End of the Day

at the end of the day

i just want to be thankful

no matter what happened yesterday

or what happens tomorrow

i just want to be grateful

 

at the end of the day

no matter what anyone says

no matter what i heard

or what i felt

or what i saw

or what aggravated me

or what pissed me of

i will decide to be thankful

 

at the end of the day

if i ever feel down

i will just pick myself up and smile

if i ever feel annoyed

or misused

or taken advantage of

or judged

i will just shrug it off

 

because at the end of the day

i'll be coming home to You

and i know that You'll be with me

and all these will melt away

because i am home

and You are You

Before You

Do you know how when you've waited so long for something to happen?

Something you've always prayed would happen and then because it took some time, you begin to sway from hope to desperation to frustration and back again?

And when at long last, it comes to you - the dream, right before your eyes, all you have to do is grab it, taste it, make it yours, but you stop midway, because you begin to think - WHAT IF ?

The great 'what if' - two words that have deterred men from pursuing their dreams, two words that have paralyzed future heroes and reduced them to mere civilians, two words that have made people blind to their greatness. 

 

What if i fail?

What if this is just a big farce?

What if I fall short?

What if?

 

They say, 'fear is at the gate of your destiny.' So maybe, fear has been waiting this whole time to ambush you just when you're getting so close to your destiny. And as if it isn't enough, when you let fear stop you and you go back, a new friend welcomes you - Regret, and this spurs another round of what-if's:

 

What if I just went for it?

What if I just took the chance?

What if I just leapt?

What if?

 

Then you begin to feel cowardly and stupid and idiotic for letting an opportunity go, so when another opportunity comes along, you won't recognize its face until it's too late. Then, the cycle repeats all over again, and you're falling in a downward spiral. Then your head begins to fill up with all these rubbish descriptions you have of yourself - loser, coward, inadequate, stupid, etc. 

But I always believe that the mind should never be made into a trash can, it sounds nicer when said in Filipino though - huwag gawing basurahan ang utak. So we sweep trash off, make the mind clean, vomit out all the rubbish and replace it with this:

 

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.

Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!

You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women." God says so!

"Clear lots of ground for your tents!    

Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!

Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep.

You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family.

You're going to take over whole nations;

you're going to resettle abandoned cities.

Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.    

Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.

You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,    

and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.

For your Maker is your bridegroom,    

his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!

Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,    

known as God of the whole earth.

(Isaiah 54)

 

I don't know what's going to happen next. But if fear is before me, maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm nearing my destiny, so maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up yet. And maybe, just maybe, I'm going to do great (hahahah! XD) Plus, at the end of the day, there should be no reason for me to be afraid. God said I'm not going to be humiliated, I'm not going to fall short. For sure, I can trust His word. I'm going to be blown away about what He has in store for me, I'm sure. 

Future, you better look out for me!!! Cause I'm coming!!!! =p

Beginning to Wonder

I'm beginning to ask if there's a place for me here (in the Philippines). I've repeatedly heard people say that there is no market for researchers here, that there is no other place for you than the academe, that you can't make use of your course here, that the best possible option is to be a med student or be "stuck" as a teacher (which I differ with, call me naive, but I think teaching is one of the noblest jobs ever and should never be looked down on), that you will not be compensated enough here, that it will be better to work abroad, that you have no future here, etc. etc. etc. I suppose, ultimately, that there is no hope for you here - a "sayang-tist."
 
But is it such a sin to be an optimist in a "third-world, corrupt country" with a course that's "only as good as a pre-med, which no one understands"?
 
Can't I continue to believe that I have something to contribute with the line of work I chose?
 
Can't I have faith that my Philippines will rise up as a country that truly worships God and is the best in the world?
 
Please. Just let me believe. Just let me hope. Just let me dream. No matter how "insane and improbable" they are. Don't make me waver, because I really am trying to be strong. 
 
There is no trace of brilliance around me. I have no proof to say, "hey, I made it." There is no success story to speak of, no Latin honors attached to my name, no doctor or attorney or what-nots to call me with, no fame or fortune, no breakthrough discovery or earth-shaking research. Simply, C--- C---- Y--- L----, B.S. MBB, God's daughter.
 
So, being an optimist (or a naive, insane person, whichever you wish), just let me say: I am a testimony-in-the-making.  

Self Talk

it has been a long time has it not? surely...You were waiting for me. 

But I will come. I promise you. I will.

I'm sorry it's taken long for me to spring back.  

but I will meet with You again.

***

there was a time when i thought i can do anything, that anything is possible and that i can overcome all

several bruises, disappointments, discouragements, tears, wounds and broken bones later...

i still think i could because of You  

when You never give up, i think that i could not and should not too.

***

it's time to rise above again.  

it's time to soar high again.

it's time to dream big again.

you can do this! GOGOGOGO!!!

remember, you're source is GREATER, HIGHER and BIGGER than anything...

you're destination is GREATER, HIGHER and BIGGER than all the pain and struggles of falling down.

we will get there.

Para Sa'yo at sa mga Minsan Mo

Minsan, gusto mo ring piliin ka, hindi dahil sa wala nang iba (last resort), kung hindi, IKAW LANG TALAGA...

Minsan, gusto mo ring manguna, kahit papano, kahit minsan... 

Minsan, gusto mo ring may maniwala sa'yo maliban sa sarili mo...

Minsan, napapagod ka ring magmahal, umintindi, magpaintindi, mangarap, maniwala...

Pero minsan lang...huwag palagiin ang minsan...

Dahil madalas, napipili ka rin, hindi mo lang napapansin at kung nalilimutan mo, karapat-dapat ka naman ding piliin...

Madalas, nangunguna ka rin, hindi mo lang nakikita pa sa ngayon...

Madalas, maraming naniniwala sa'yo, hindi ka lang makapaniwalang iyon ang totoo...

Madalas, kahit na nakakapagod at masakit ang magmahal, umintindi, magpaintindi, mangarap at maniwala, karapat-dapat naman silang gawin, ipaglaban at ipagpatuloy...

Alam mo 'yan...hindi ko na kailangang ipaalala pa sa'yo...

Pero sa ngayon...hahayaan muna kita sa mga minsan mo...

Dahil matapos kang lumuha, magiging malinaw muli ang paningin at pag-iisip mo; magiging handa ka muling harapin ang mundo...

At bukas, gaya ng kadalasan, magsasaya tayo't magpapasalamat dahil nabubuhay at buhay tayo...=D 

Just Thinking Randomly

they have always told me 
that this is just naivete
I'm just idealistic, impractical, illogical, disillusioned
there is no hope for me here
there is no future for me here
there is no place for me here
but I AM HERE
and there must be a reason for this
i was born here
there must be something why
people say that i am a product of my environment
of the institution i came from
of the affiliations i'm involved with
but they never really think
that i am a product of the
decisions i've made and stood by
but only time will really, truly tell
only time will tell