Before You

Do you know how when you've waited so long for something to happen?

Something you've always prayed would happen and then because it took some time, you begin to sway from hope to desperation to frustration and back again?

And when at long last, it comes to you - the dream, right before your eyes, all you have to do is grab it, taste it, make it yours, but you stop midway, because you begin to think - WHAT IF ?

The great 'what if' - two words that have deterred men from pursuing their dreams, two words that have paralyzed future heroes and reduced them to mere civilians, two words that have made people blind to their greatness. 

 

What if i fail?

What if this is just a big farce?

What if I fall short?

What if?

 

They say, 'fear is at the gate of your destiny.' So maybe, fear has been waiting this whole time to ambush you just when you're getting so close to your destiny. And as if it isn't enough, when you let fear stop you and you go back, a new friend welcomes you - Regret, and this spurs another round of what-if's:

 

What if I just went for it?

What if I just took the chance?

What if I just leapt?

What if?

 

Then you begin to feel cowardly and stupid and idiotic for letting an opportunity go, so when another opportunity comes along, you won't recognize its face until it's too late. Then, the cycle repeats all over again, and you're falling in a downward spiral. Then your head begins to fill up with all these rubbish descriptions you have of yourself - loser, coward, inadequate, stupid, etc. 

But I always believe that the mind should never be made into a trash can, it sounds nicer when said in Filipino though - huwag gawing basurahan ang utak. So we sweep trash off, make the mind clean, vomit out all the rubbish and replace it with this:

 

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.

Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!

You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women." God says so!

"Clear lots of ground for your tents!    

Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!

Use plenty of rope, drive the tent pegs deep.

You're going to need lots of elbow room for your growing family.

You're going to take over whole nations;

you're going to resettle abandoned cities.

Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.    

Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.

You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,    

and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.

For your Maker is your bridegroom,    

his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!

Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,    

known as God of the whole earth.

(Isaiah 54)

 

I don't know what's going to happen next. But if fear is before me, maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm nearing my destiny, so maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give up yet. And maybe, just maybe, I'm going to do great (hahahah! XD) Plus, at the end of the day, there should be no reason for me to be afraid. God said I'm not going to be humiliated, I'm not going to fall short. For sure, I can trust His word. I'm going to be blown away about what He has in store for me, I'm sure. 

Future, you better look out for me!!! Cause I'm coming!!!! =p

Beginning to Wonder

I'm beginning to ask if there's a place for me here (in the Philippines). I've repeatedly heard people say that there is no market for researchers here, that there is no other place for you than the academe, that you can't make use of your course here, that the best possible option is to be a med student or be "stuck" as a teacher (which I differ with, call me naive, but I think teaching is one of the noblest jobs ever and should never be looked down on), that you will not be compensated enough here, that it will be better to work abroad, that you have no future here, etc. etc. etc. I suppose, ultimately, that there is no hope for you here - a "sayang-tist."
 
But is it such a sin to be an optimist in a "third-world, corrupt country" with a course that's "only as good as a pre-med, which no one understands"?
 
Can't I continue to believe that I have something to contribute with the line of work I chose?
 
Can't I have faith that my Philippines will rise up as a country that truly worships God and is the best in the world?
 
Please. Just let me believe. Just let me hope. Just let me dream. No matter how "insane and improbable" they are. Don't make me waver, because I really am trying to be strong. 
 
There is no trace of brilliance around me. I have no proof to say, "hey, I made it." There is no success story to speak of, no Latin honors attached to my name, no doctor or attorney or what-nots to call me with, no fame or fortune, no breakthrough discovery or earth-shaking research. Simply, C--- C---- Y--- L----, B.S. MBB, God's daughter.
 
So, being an optimist (or a naive, insane person, whichever you wish), just let me say: I am a testimony-in-the-making.  

Self Talk

it has been a long time has it not? surely...You were waiting for me. 

But I will come. I promise you. I will.

I'm sorry it's taken long for me to spring back.  

but I will meet with You again.

***

there was a time when i thought i can do anything, that anything is possible and that i can overcome all

several bruises, disappointments, discouragements, tears, wounds and broken bones later...

i still think i could because of You  

when You never give up, i think that i could not and should not too.

***

it's time to rise above again.  

it's time to soar high again.

it's time to dream big again.

you can do this! GOGOGOGO!!!

remember, you're source is GREATER, HIGHER and BIGGER than anything...

you're destination is GREATER, HIGHER and BIGGER than all the pain and struggles of falling down.

we will get there.

Para Sa'yo at sa mga Minsan Mo

Minsan, gusto mo ring piliin ka, hindi dahil sa wala nang iba (last resort), kung hindi, IKAW LANG TALAGA...

Minsan, gusto mo ring manguna, kahit papano, kahit minsan... 

Minsan, gusto mo ring may maniwala sa'yo maliban sa sarili mo...

Minsan, napapagod ka ring magmahal, umintindi, magpaintindi, mangarap, maniwala...

Pero minsan lang...huwag palagiin ang minsan...

Dahil madalas, napipili ka rin, hindi mo lang napapansin at kung nalilimutan mo, karapat-dapat ka naman ding piliin...

Madalas, nangunguna ka rin, hindi mo lang nakikita pa sa ngayon...

Madalas, maraming naniniwala sa'yo, hindi ka lang makapaniwalang iyon ang totoo...

Madalas, kahit na nakakapagod at masakit ang magmahal, umintindi, magpaintindi, mangarap at maniwala, karapat-dapat naman silang gawin, ipaglaban at ipagpatuloy...

Alam mo 'yan...hindi ko na kailangang ipaalala pa sa'yo...

Pero sa ngayon...hahayaan muna kita sa mga minsan mo...

Dahil matapos kang lumuha, magiging malinaw muli ang paningin at pag-iisip mo; magiging handa ka muling harapin ang mundo...

At bukas, gaya ng kadalasan, magsasaya tayo't magpapasalamat dahil nabubuhay at buhay tayo...=D 

Just Thinking Randomly

they have always told me 
that this is just naivete
I'm just idealistic, impractical, illogical, disillusioned
there is no hope for me here
there is no future for me here
there is no place for me here
but I AM HERE
and there must be a reason for this
i was born here
there must be something why
people say that i am a product of my environment
of the institution i came from
of the affiliations i'm involved with
but they never really think
that i am a product of the
decisions i've made and stood by
but only time will really, truly tell
only time will tell

I Miss the Feeling of Jumping

When you climb to the top of the stairs, you never look down because when you do you are gripped with fear that you can't seem to move your hands and feet to reach for the next rung. You struggle against gravity, against the weight of your body, you force yourself to move though every muscle is frozen. But see, all you think about is one thing: reaching the top.

When you are at the top, now, you would look down and see the tops of trees and the wideness of the lake below and roads that you've trekked to get to this place, you would think, "wow, how beautiful" and at the same time you would think, "this is so high, I could die when I fall." You feel the cold air brush against your skin, icy droplets of sweat run down your face, the sun is high but you feel cold inside and out. The people in charge start putting on straps on you and preparing you for the moment of truth - the jump.

At that moment, you have a split second to decide - to go through with this or just go down the ladder. You have a hard time breathing because by now you are standing at the edge of the ramp. Just one more step and you won't feel the ground, everything will just be air and the straps that bind you. You start thinking again, "if this thing comes out defective, it will be the end of me."

You take one deep breath, and for a single part of a second for that moment, the moment when you jumped, there is only silence in your mind. There are no thoughts running about, only this blank nothingness. You cease to breathe in that decimal of time. Fear would mix with elation and nervousness and triumph until it all blends to nothing and you feel nothing until after the jump.

You feel yourself weightless, so small and so big at the same time against the forest underneath you. You let out a breath as if you've breathed for the first time. It's like in that interval when you break out of the water after holding your breath for so long - that moment. Your lungs seem to expand so much that it couldn't be filled with enough air. Your hands and legs are hanging about. No, you're not on the ground anymore. You can't find security on what you can stand on but you will find it in the strap around you. Now, it's all in the work of the strap because no matter what you do, you won't save yourself by standing up. But since you've jumped, you can't turn back now, you have to wait and enjoy and take in everything until the ride ends, until you see a Manong waving his hands at you.

But when you do see him, you would've wished the ride were longer and that you were suspended in the air longer. Sure, it was not your comfort zone. Sure, it was unsure and there was a risk. But at that moment, you soared. For once in your life, you were taller than the trees and the mountains. For once in your life, you let yourself go. You let things that bothered or worried you go the moment you jumped. For a moment in your adult life, you knew how superman felt. You felt big and possible and positive and formidable and.....larger than life...you feel alive and how great it is to be alive, to really be, truly be alive and living!

*based on an experience riding a zipline

Ten Things I Learned as a Lab Student

(a.k.a. Things That Will Make YOU Feel Better When You Botch Up in the Lab and other things too)

Note: My apologies to those who will not understand some of the jargon, but I believe you'll pick them up anyway =D

1. Do not unplug anything in the lab in an effort to conserve energy, you just might find your samples thawing the next day.

2. If you want to clearly observe your samples, don't use acetone to erase permanent ink on your disposable container (You'll know why).

3. No matter how many PCR trials you do, whether you change the temperature, MgCl2 concentration, or your primers, you will never get bands if you don't put in the polymerase. Believe me, I know. PCR is called polymerase chain reaction for a reason.

4. Proper labeling is good, just make sure you don't put it on the cover slip.

5. In dissecting the frog with a nagging, complaining partner, make sure you have a proper hold on your scalpel. It's not that you might injure an organ, it's just that you might cut the wrong specimen.

6. Upon getting that oh-so-wanted result, write it on really nice paper and not on scratch less you want to skim through all the trash bins in IC (Institute of Chemistry in UP Diliman) because your partner thought it was rubbish.

7. Try to imagine naming your children with the amino acid names or species names, it will help you memorize things quicker, because at the back of your mind, you keep thanking your parents for not naming you Glutamic Acid.

8. Don't get too excited when you culture flies or mice or any other organism, you won't see them IN ACTION, unless you guard them 24 hours nonstop. But then again, give these animals some rest will you? You're going to slice them up anyway.

9. Check where you plug your machines, because though we love sparks in movies, we wouldn't love them in real life, specially if it requires financial compensation.

10. In everything, forgive yourself, it's all part of the process, more mistakes=more learning=better experience, but then again we prefer to learn from the mistakes of others. Never doubt your skills, never lose faith, hold on, press on, you will get there.